Grief

​Cloak of Grief
 
Nowhere to run; no way to escape.
Grief stands stoic; formidable.
Gaping mouth; piercing teeth.
He gnaws, claws, chews, shreds.
Devouring all in his wake.
Death’s brother of destruction.
 
Moments too morbid to move.
Beats too unbearable to breathe.
My heart sits raw; putty in grief’s hands.
My soul lies at his feet
 as he stomps again and again.
 
Ever-widening hole…
… a part of me is gone; a part of me has died.
 
I cannot contain this sorrow; he envelopes my existence
My only ally is the future.
I know my faithful Lord will restore all the locust has eaten.
It just takes time
 
11.14.14
Nicole Casanova
~written upon my mother’s passing~
 
The Experience of Grief
Nicole Casanova
7.28.24
 
This November will mark the 10th year of my mother's passing.  I could write pages about losing one's mother, regardless of what that relationship may have looked like.  Perhaps another time.  For now, there is a more recent experience I wish to share...

19 days ago, I had to have my beloved companion of 12 years put down.  Bella was my beautiful cat, my faithful friend.  I never understood one could grieve the death of a pet as one might grieve a person.  I discovered this to be true.
 
Pets extend unconditional love to us.  Their companionship is generally more extensive, as they are completely dependent on us for their care and they are found to be almost constantly at our sides, whenever in our company.  When one is faced with the decision to end our cherished pet’s life, the guilt that accompanies the grief can be an overwhelming experience to go through.
 
This type of comparison reminds me of the grief of death versus the grief of divorce.  When a spouse dies, family and friends gather round in united support and comfort, as they too, grieve alongside the widow/widower.  Even such a title will warrant sympathy and empathy in the coming years.  There will be no stigma, no label of shame, for the survivor to bear.
 
Not so with divorce.  A divorce is death without the casseroles.  The broken marriage sends a fragmented ripple effect through both sides of the family, as well as, the circle of friends; and most especially through children who have been birthed through the marriage.  A dividing camp of judgment and ostracism is automatically formed in certain friends and family.  Unless one chooses to eventually remarry, they will continue to be forced to check off the box  marked “Divorced.” 
 
When death takes a loved one, be it family member or friend; once again, family and friends will gather round in united support and grief.  But when a pet dies, the owner(s) will traverse this barren landscape alone.  Others may offer words of sympathy and encouragement but this journey through grief is born in solitude.
 
Unfortunately, we will all experience grief at some point in our lives.  Unless we go through the unspeakable horrors of war or a devastating natural disaster, grief is not something we become well acquainted with and this is one of the many reasons it is such a difficult experience to go through.
 
Many studies on grief indicate there are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  There is one additional stage I wish to add to this list and it is notably, the only stage that appears in the beginning and for only a brief time, never to resurface again.  It is also a merciful stage given to us to begin the business of the tasks we must complete, such as funeral arrangements.  I am referring to the initial stage of “shock.”  This is a period of being emotionally, possibly physically numb.
 
The remaining stages of grief are all moving parts, rather than one linear journey we can note and check off.  This makes processing our grief even more difficult, as we are often overtaken in surprise by a “tsunami” of emotions that will uproot our proverbial anchors in life’s ocean. 

Because of my most recent loss of “Bella” and the accompanying grief, I decided to write some grief “guidelines” that may be of help for others, as they navigate their own, personal journey.
 
Grief is something that will pass through us, as we move through it.  Even though grief can overtake us at unexpected moments, it is absolutely essential to be gentle and supportive with ourselves as we honor the grief, rather than pushing it down or self-medicating.  Some examples of healthy ways to honor and process through grief would be praying, crying, sobbing, yelling,  journaling, exercising, and confiding.  

It will only work against us to place expectations on our time line of contending with our grieving process. We may experience days, weeks and eventually months of being “done,” only to be blindsided by one or more of the stages at once.  For example, we may wake up feeling depressed and angry for no apparent reason, forgetting grief still resides in us.  Again, I encourage a gentle handling of ourselves as we continue to work through the most difficult experience life brings us…death.  
But please be encouraged.  A day will finally come when we notice we remember our departed one with fondness and without the pain. This is when we know the monster of grief has moved finally on.

When it comes to grief, the tendency of many people is to push down the sorrow, the emptiness, loneliness, confusion and all the other underlying emotions accompanying such a deep loss.  Men are often told they should not cry, as it is a perceived weakness and some women may fall into this same habit. 
​
Pushing down emotions is a harmful and destructive habit, especially when it comes to grief.  Emotions don’t just dissipate; they must be processed through or they will, inevitably resurface as some form of addiction or dysfunctional behavior.  The most emotionally-healthy, balanced and functional people in life are those who continue to allow themselves the space to fully honor and embrace their experiences.

There will be other times and experiences that will drag us through the trenches of grief but the final one I wish to address is the grief women transition through as they watch the beauty of their youth slip away.

The gray hairs and wrinkles move-in, as the vibrancy and captivating glow slowly dissipates.  When there was once a time we would turn heads, we have begun to become invisible, in a society that worships the majesty of youthful glory.

As we travel through this ongoing transition, we must do it in our own personal way.  Some of us choose the needle or the knife, while others resolve to embrace the inevitable, with graceful resolve.  Either way it is imperative that we properly grieve what we have lost and continue to lose or there will be a frantic scrambling in an attempt to cling to the sand as it slips through our fingers. 

I had personally resolved to dye my hair until I hit the dirt but one day I realized I was concealing the new growth of gray in shame.  I felt I was hiding who I truly was.  The more I came to love and accept myself, the more I resolved to embrace myself with loving acceptance.

It took me two years to adjust to the reflection of the “old woman” gazing back at me.  Now I see the beauty of wisdom age can bring.  I watch as the beauty of my Glorious Lord Jesus, Who resides in me, radiates more each day.

Growing old is the most difficult season we will face during our lifetime.  As we age visibly and grow less agile,  it is not a season we must endure alone.  May we all come to a place of supportive love for one another as we affirm the choices we make and allow this particular grief to pass through us, making way for gifts only old age can bring. 
"Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." ~2 Corinthians 4:16
 
Grief Again

The monster has re-entered
my life.
It’s been here before;
just not frequently enough for me to learn to manage it.
 
Tsunami of the soul.
Tearing, shredding.
Leaving looming holes.
Unspeakable, unbearable
PAIN.
It will pass through me…
eventually.
Reaping wreckage in its wake.
 
Time passes.
I foolishly believe
I am moving on.
Crouching silently.
Blindsided.
Overtaken again.
Knocked off the feet of my
life.
 
We experience grief
alone.
No one had the relationship
we shared with the loved one we lost.
Be it person or pet;
grief is grief.
Uninvited. Unwelcome.
Arriving unannounced.
All-consuming grief.
 
I write, because I must
and in hope…
Perhaps these words
will one day comfort you;
should you be overcome
with the unthinkable.

 7.16.24
Nicole Casanova
~written upon my cat Bella's passing~